The Little Mermaid

Stop right there!, it's not all fun and games this one, this film is a beastiality.... film.
It's dressed up as a cartoon, like family guy or south park, but they go way further... I get all the nods and similarities to the slave trade of days gone by, I'm not an idiot.. but it seems to me, to be an iffy way to get some poisson porn on the DVD shelf and say it's because you're 'cultured'..
The whole film is filled with hidden meanings, a crab follows her everywhere she goes for instance, another hint at sexually promiscuous culture and the rise in disease ("you don't know what she's carrying around in her flaps".. oh they call them 'fins' don't they?).. The mermaid's dad carries around a trident that can only be described as a three pronged dildo.. it's electronic and everything for fucks sake, they're not even trying to hide it!.. oh and the worst thing I spotted.. an eight tentacled transsexual, "Uh-oh look out for the big purple throbbing beast! he... she... will invade us all at the same time!!" well if you call that kind of thing entertainment you deserve to get octoraped.

To be honest I picked the film up initially thinking 'waaaaaaay that's some fine half a woman right there' the top half!!
I'm not racist or anything, I just don't think I could go through with it, maybe I'd consider eating her out... but the little bones get stuck in my throat.. and don't start me on the smell.. top half lemon... bottom half... oh oh oh... no.
What I'm trying to say is.. this film is for people who play badly with animals, absolute sick bastards, if you've got this at home you should be ashamed... "Oh but the social commentary..." FUCK YOU, you disgust me... lets hope this is the last one of these abominations 'Disney by Night' make, I know times are hard but still.. Anyway their next offering is due out soon, 'Sinderella' sounds alright, apparently she's not allowed out past midnight so that's a good start.. but I heard something about really tight shoes and a big party, and about a girl being locked up and forced to do things... IT BETTER NOT BE ABOUT BONDAGE!!!

Rambo: First Blood

Man Film.. oh yeah, Rambo is a classic example of something you'd never expect your girlfriend would want to see, but if you were to watch it together you'd both get what you want from it.. Violence and action for him, adversity and transvestite plight for her! win win, yeah yeah.

Right from the very start we're introduced to a man with long hair, curly.. and what seems to be U.S army clothing. He strolls into a town with a look on his face crying out for a friend, some understanding even... but we don't know why yet. After a while a Po-Po, or policeman if you will, pulls his car over alongside him and advises him to leave the town, he tells him his kind isn't wanted around their close-knit town.
At this point you start to look at Mr Rambo at bit differently as you try to figure out what's wrong with him that they can't tolerate, then you realise you have to look at it through '80s eyes' (I don't mean short sighted like an 80 year old person). From then on you notice this isn't a bustling future metropolis like where I live now (and I assume you do too because you're on a 'Computer' using the 'Internet') these people are from a different time, a time where freedom of expression is frowned upon (in fact that's the only expression allowed, The Frown).
The Po-Policeman drops Rambo off at the edge of town and goes back to his doings..
Rambo doesn't like being told what to do though so he flicks his hair back and heads back to town. After another bit the police-master finds Rambo again and gets pissed off at him, arrests him, then takes him to the police station, upsetting Rambo a lot!. Upon arrival they all Frown at Rambo for his differences and flowing locks, then take him for 'processing'. Here they strip him down and tease him, beat him and... no, they didn't rape him actually, I thought they would obviously but they didn't.
All this abuse causes Rambo to suffer a mind bending flashback, which sorts out all the confusion for you, and puts you on track to this point in his life. The flashback clearly insinuates that Rambo is a Transvestite (not a vampire) and was bullied by all the other 'normal' soldiers in the army, so he left, regardless of being the best soldier ever.
The flashback and abuse which follows pushes Rambo over the edge (I think the actual title 'First Blood' is some kind of metaphor for his 'masculine virginity'), Rambo goes ballistic because nobody understands him and fucks everybody right up in the police station... then escapes.. into the trees..
Whilst out there he fashions himself a dress from an old tarpaulin, then a headband.. his army training comes in handy for being in a survival situation and requiring functional-feminine-fashion. There are more establishing shots to show the feminine side of Rambo from this point; he gets wounded and sews it up himself (girls sew). He gets trapped in a cave and when a rat gets near him he freaks out (Girls freak out... and they don't like rats.. that's a two-for-one)
I wont ruin the rest of the film for anybody who hasn't seen it. because after this review you have no excuse to skip it. Let's just say that by the end everything is ok, people cry, some people get a bit shot, but after it all he gets the acceptance he deserves and embarks upon 3 more films touring the world promoting; free-will, transvestitism, and acceptance... BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

Top male cast only films

1. The Thing
2. Black Hawk Down
3. Lord of the Flies
4. Bad Taste
5. Ice Station Zebra
6. Outpost
7. The Great Escape
8. Reservoir Dogs
9. The Naked Prey
10. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

Whilst making this list I noticed a theme... Isolation is gay!

Event Horizon

I wouldn't watch this film if I were any of you avid readers.. you WILL NOT get over it (and I don't mean because it's larger in mass than a regular wedge of moving pictures.. it's mother fucking scary..)
It's about outer space, and a spaceship, and an Event Horizon, that's all.. I thought. I love reading New Scientist magazine and keeping my science up to scratch in case I need to outwit some bastard somewhere (you know who you are) so I thought "GREAT" a science film with Sam Neill in it and Lawrence Fishburne to boot..
After Jurassic Park I had every faith in Sam Neill, I felt he could get me through anything, he did outwit all the dinosaurs on the earth at once/twice!. So I started that film up and settled myself down to what can only be described as an eyeball bastardising (which Sam Neill carries out upon himself) it's not nice, people get sucked off.. the ship, which actually looks like a massive intergalactic space penal colony (a cock). There's this horrific spinning doom ball of black hole devastation that makes bad things happen ALL THE TIME. People do stupid things non-stop and never-ever-ever listen to you when you shout at them not to.
Sam Neill let me down the most though, he turned on me big time, he got nude and his eyes went away, he gets sucked off in the end too I think, good riddance.. evil twat, I think he was depressed though because his wife or something was dead (I wasn't paying full attention I was crying a bit) and he has clearly carried out some hefty self harm by the end of his appearance.
Overall I recommend this film to liars and two faced back stabbers who enjoy palaeontology and outer space.
I'm going to go and cheer myself up now and watch that film "sunshine" I got it with Event Horizon in a two-for-one deal, it's about space too, and its got that kooky faced Cillian Murphy in it, I think it's about how nice outer space is and how good the sun looks :)

The River Wild

Sorry I've not posted anything for a while numerous devoted followers, but i've had a rough week,
check out this for a story: Last week I decided to take my wife and child on a holiday, and my wife is a bit of an extreme sports enthusiast, so I decided on a rafting trip.. nice one eh?
A couple of days in we were setting up camp for the night because it was starting to get a smidge dark, when out of nowhere Kevin Bacon and John C Reilly pull up ashore (I was gobsmacked being a film enthusiast). Being fans of both actors I asked them to join us for the night, which they did, and we had a great night playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon and drinking.
During the night, when everyone had gone to bed, I got up for a wee and couldnt help notice that Kevin (we were on first name basis at this point, we just clicked) had a pistol in his hand, and John had a bag full of money also in his hand.. this upset me a bit so I went over to have a word, as I got there I overheard them saying they intended to pay me for sex and threaten my wife with the firearm for a laugh, 'PRICKS' I thought.. So I ran up and kicked John C Reilly in the tits then turned to throw some fury at Kevin Beercan, but it was clear he had the drop on me so I dived into a bush under heavy fire then rolled into the river.. making a quick escape and abandoning my wife and child without a second thought.

By first light I'd bedded into the opposite hillside nicely and made myself a poncho from heather and stagnant moss. From my position I could see the camp entirely, Kevin and John were going berserk and kept trying to kick off with my child because he looked a bit like me, but they didnt seem to be quite a dare to go through with it. After an hour or so of daylight (and a snickers bar I found in my leg pocket) the actors got my wife and child into a raft and started to paddle down river, fortunately i'm fast, so I parralelled them on the hillside, slowly planning my revenge.
Eventually I managed to get about a mile ahead of them through sheer hill skill, so I fashioned a massive trap made from ferns and vines, which they didnt see coming because it was brilliant. The trap did it's job perfectly and flipped the raft over, almost drowning my wife and child, but it gave me enough of a chance to run down to the shore where Kevin and John were just coming ashore minus their weapon, so I kicked the bejesus out of them both, practically killing both Kevin's career and John's life.. it was insane.. almost unbelievable, right after it was all over, as those words were going past, I got up and went to the fridge and got a pepperami hot, and sat in disbelief for hours..
No actually shit, I'm wrong, all that, that I just said then, thats a film called The River Wild.. I don't know why I thought it happened to me, I don't have a wife or child.
I do have too much spare time, and a DVD player though.
Alright then I have no excuse for not posting for over a week.. just didn't.

Con Air

This is a modern horror fantasy action sci-fi romance film, it's about a soldier that gets into a fight outside of army hours, kills someone accidentally and gets put into jail. Only this is no ordinary jail, its a 'time & dimension' jail for the worst criminals in history (as far as I could tell). There's Ghengis Khan, Hannibal the Cannibal and Jack the Ripper, to name a few. Eventually the soldier gets released at the same time the murderers are all being moved to a new time & dimension jail, so everybody ends up on the same special plane to be moved. But since some of the murderers are either from the past or fictional it freaks them out being on a plane and they go ape shit and kill everyone thats from now or real' this leads to the plane crashing because of the same problem, past and fake people aren't go0d pilots. After all this mayhem the film goes off and the soldier wins by default because he's real and the people from the past go back in time because the plane was the only thing keeping them imprisoned in this time.. Heart warming stuff. everyones a winner.

Battlefield Earth

Possibly the greatest example of the medium of film ever commited to celluloid.

A joy to behold from start to finish. If Jesus Christ himself were to turn water into a film then this would be the end result. I'd compare it to injecting a film version of heroin directly into your mind.

You want to see John Travolta look like a cross bettween Worf from star trek, the Predator and Gene Simmonds? You've got it right here buddy. Mentally challenged humans learning to fly Harrier Jump jets in a matter of minutes? You're in luck today then champ, it's got that too. In bucketloads.

If i were to marry a film then i'm fairly sure it would be this one. Although i may end up cheating on it with Uncle Buck.

I would award this film 24 years with no chance of Parole.

I thought about touching myself 3 times during this film, but did not as there were ladies present.

Night of the Living Dead

I'm about to put the fear into you now (and no, I haven't named my penis 'fear'...tut), I'm going to tell you about Zombies. Dead humans that come back to this life and try to eat your brains for no good reason.. or thats what you're meant to think watching Night of the Living Dead. But I don't think the whole thing is that black and white, which is a contradiction to itself because there is NO colour to this film.. it's ACTUALLY black and white.
If you think about this film carefully as you watch, you'll notice it's accidental hidden logic. The director George tries to lead you into a prejudiced view against the zombies without actually giving the remotest glimmer of their own plight. *Imagine* if you'd been dead for weeks or years or whatever time frame you prefer, then suddenly you come to life and you can't quite think straight because some of the more important parts of your brain have rotted or been eaten by insects, so the best idea you can manage is to eat some brains in order to gain.. well... more brains!, BUT just to hit my point home, you couldn't actually imagine all that after all because your brain is fucked right up. Now you see where i'm coming from.
The rest of the film is based on the genocide of the helpless second chancers. It sickened me, I don't recommend you watch this on your own if you're impressionable or if you've recently lost someone to death (and I don't mean you lost someone in the street and you couldn't find them for so long it made you die).

Enter the Dragon

I branched out recently to a section of cinema called; world.... cinema.
To begin with I thought I'd start with a film I've heard about for years called Enter the Dragon!! How fucking cool does that sound?.. you want to watch it now right? well hold your horses you daft frigger i'm about to tell you if its any good..
I think the type of film that it is would be what film reviewers like me would call 'Post Modern'.. Some of it's not even in English!! it's in some kind of future language, which is a pretty steep claim by the director Robert Clouse to know what we'll sound like in the future.. hmm. But for arguements sake we'll let that go. Its a strange future style to go for to, everyone is 'Gro0vy' and they have mental hair do's.. or dont's, HA.. oh I went there.. (I probably will actually if it's the future).
The main protagonist is played by a famous actor called Bruce Lee, apparently he's dead now so I don't know how he's made a future film, but it's doing my head in trying to work that out so, we'll let that go for arguements sake. He does some of that Kung Fu malarky we've all been reading about in the papers from the start till the finish till he wins. At one point Bruce Lee finds himself in a room...full of himself (I don't mean in an egotistical way) and there's one person in there with a sharp hand who isn't him so he kills the shit out of him (maybe it was an egotistical thing if he killed him for not looking like himself)
There's a snake in the film, which I liked, a Cobra I think. I'm pretty sure there were topless women, drug use and minor comedic scenes too, but i'm not 100% certain because I couldn't get my mind off that snake.

Tremors

Tremors is a documentary detailing the lives of the huge desert dwelling 'Graboids' native to our planet. Not really silly, I am of course joking.

It is a fictional story set in the 'United States of America' or 'USA'.

What happens right, is some massive worms start eating all these blokes yeah, by sucking them underground (No not blowjobs).

This film speaks to me like no other, and you can quote me on that.

I'd award this film 1/1

I touched you in your pants 19 times while watching this film. Subtle aren't I....

Watership Down

Fucking hell....

I would award this film 1/1

I did not touch myself at all whilst watching this film due to handling some questionable beef before viewing.

Blade

Right you've heard of vampires haven't you?, like me you assumed they were a bunch of bad bastards of unknown origin, bloodthirsty shits that creep about in the shadows with pale skin and extensive canines (I don't mean long dogs, I'm teeth talking), that's what we all know and love.
Well with Blade they've rocked the boat so much they could be accused of killing leonardo DiCrapio.
Blade is a heart-warming and thought provoking journey of the trials and tribulations of the worlds only Black, Half Human, Day Walking, Kung-Fu, Vampire.. named 'Blade' (obviously! otherwise the film would likely be about knives). The film drops us smack bang in the middle of Blade's struggle to fit in with the white supremescist vampires, who are pretty much Nazis with longer hair and tattoos. The regular vampires aren't big fans of Blade due to his ability to go to the beach and wear sunglasses without looking like a twat because it's dark.
Eventually, after many fights and arguements, Blade can't take it anymore and does the cliché outcast american thing and wears a big black coat full of weapons, walks into the vampire home AND KILLS EVERYONE. tut.
This film also touches on drug addiction, the dangers of Ultra Violet rays, police corruption, obesity, and lack of sexual contact.

The Great Escape

The Great Escape is a below par 1963 remake of the classic 2000 film Chicken Run.

It is set in a prison camp during a war with the fictional 'Third Reich'. To be completely honest i found the whole thing fairly un-realistic and rather far fetched. Steve Mcqueen stars as a pilot who flies something called an Airplane in combat and hails from the 'United States of America' or 'USA'. He is captured and imprisoned alongside some British soldiers who join him in planning a GREAT ESCAPE.

However it fails and most are shot in a field. I learnt from this film that all Germans actually speak English to each other in an English accent. Something i was not aware of before. Finally some truth in what otherwise is a pack of lies dressed up as entertainment.

I would award this film 500/500.

I touched myself, and others, 24 times during this film.

Death becomes her

A film about the shallow depths of the Hollywood fickle, about vanity, about one-up-manship, revenge, about the distances we will go to, to stay young and beautiful, OR a film about a fit woman with an extra hole and another fit woman who brings 'bendy' to another level.
I think rather than be put off by the lengths these women go to, people should be inspired, imagine the possibilities; Vaginas surgically enhanced into the sides of breasts... Tits on your knees. Imagine how many more people you could involve in a sexy time!
Also Bruce Willis is in it, apres Die Hard, which means it's good. Bruce Willis actually funded this production himself from the money he accumulated from his 'Journey to the centre of the earth' tours... that's a !FACT!
On a final note, I think the film promotes wife beating... yeah I think it probably does... because Bruce pushes his wife down the stairs and both improves her flexibility AND gets another woman interested in him as a result. I've not tried it myself yet but I definitely will, films are like real life and Bruce Willis is no liar, I'd know, I can read him like a book, well, I read his autobiography.. "Dying to get Hard.. Getting on a bit now!".. that's a book about him.

Jaws

Despite the almost tropical appearance of the weather and sea in Jaws it was filmed entirely in an area called Marthas Vinyard, which due to it's location in the NorthWest of a country known as the 'United States of America' would be an environment unsuited to the species of shark 'Carcharodon carcharias' or the Great White Shark to which the Jaws of the title belong.

Great whites tend to inhabit the warmer waters of the Mediteranean, Australia, South Africa and the waters around California and Florida.

They have however been spotted as far north as the coastal waters of France and there has been speculation that Great whites have even been lurking in the English Channel and off the tip of Cornwall.

In summary it was incredibly unlucky for that young naked woman and the annoying child on the lilo to lose their lives. Perhaps the tagline of the sequel should have been 'Just when you thought it was safe to go into the waters of north western USA rather than California'.

On a completely unrelated matter, isn't Jo Brand an unfunny twat!

I would award this film 0/0.4

I touched myself so visciously during this film that it ended up in a trip to hospital.